An Unknown Heart

My mind, so long filled with the fire and
The brimstone of a damaged birth,
Now at last may peer across those
Visions which I cannot find the words to describe,
And as I ponder the nameless colors of my intuition
I feel as though a veil has been cast upon
The infinite rainbow of madness;
So much have I struggled to eradicate
The darker corners of my perception,
And yet it is to the ineffable beauty of
Blindness that I find the words are gone missing,
Or indeed, have never been demanded into being;
We who have upon the Earth thrust our dreams and nightmares
And made both a heaven and hell
Out of our only home, are yet the slaves
To our greatest achievement, and where once
In glory did those first formed sounds escape
Our lips, now we are held in bondage,
And can think only the terms we have ourselves
Defined; and I sit here and dream in verse
But my nameless visions are ever assaulted
And my ceaseless thoughts are ever besieged
As I trod upon the words of so many before,
And try to rearrange the feelings in black and white,
And I think in the only way I have ever known,
But ever I imagine, in my softer days,
When the sun is like the Christmas Star
And the forests are nestled in its primordial heat;
Ever I dream and imagine what I would see
In the light of an unknown heart.

Turning to Diamond

I am not naked, I just put myself out, in places you never go,
And you must be crazy, or maybe just lazy, for wanting to never know.
I heard these words calling, then they started falling, and I just couldn’t move,
Now the ice on my window, is turning to diamond, I don’t think I’ll ever lose.

The broken-up masses, who pray in the doorway, are looking for their lost friends,
And I hate to tell them, but I haven’t seen them, I don’t think we will again.
In the ice on my window, I search for the lost ones, but I’ll never think to cry,
Out of my window, and out of my life now, but I’ll never say goodbye.

Won’t you come to the party, it’s only us two, but I think we’ll make it fly,
I don’t need entertainment, I’m watching my own feed, blasted into the sky.
And sometimes I forget that, I’ve ever been here, things never look the same,
Why did you do that? You know that I liked it, when things didn’t ever change.

The stars on my ceiling, are burning for funerals, planned out many years ago,
And I keep myself in, perpetual darkness, for fear of the fading glow.
All the icicles outside, I’ll stay in my blankets, there’s nothing I need to see,
Outside my window, they tell me it’s paradise, a place I can never be free.

And you’ll never hear me say,
As time starts to fade away,
I’m dreaming of another day,
I don’t dream much more anyway.

The Prince Female and the Pigeon King

She was a convent schoolgirl / He smoked as he walked,
They shared a yellow room where nobody talked.
It makes less noise putting them on speaker;
They’re so loud when they think nobody can hear them.

Talking about their bodies, the Prince Female mooned
Over him, her tires squealing like a piglet.
Stroking his beard, he dreamed of solitude
In the novels of the romantics.

But she, in a trance of neediness, with
Full throbbing sexual desire, could no
Longer afford the warm, acidified silence;
He would know the spell cast by women.

She wrapped her tentacles around him,
Like a black and white monster in uniform,
Collecting evidence of his desire while
His mind was drifting out to sea.

Her longing was forged with molten swords,
His lavender heart the heart of her problem,
His language of criticism crumbling before her
Like the bridges of California.

Together they roiled like the swirling seas,
Hiding their egos under the bed as the
Long white strips of her vision overwhelmed her,
Like being trampled under the wheel of an oxcart.

At last, sucking in his gut, the Pigeon King
Surveyed the convent schoolgirl, the
Prince Female; then he bawled for twenty minutes,
Before boarding a smuggler’s raft:

Playing the saxophone and shoplifting
Books and luxurious food.

Where I’m Going

I don’t speak cause I don’t care,
All my words won’t bring me there.
All the lies that you’ve spoken,
They don’t matter where I’m going.

I don’t care where I’ve been,
You don’t know the things I’ve seen.
All the lives that were broken,
But I know just where I’m going.

Don’t you ask, but don’t you know,
I don’t think I’ve got to show
Anymore than I’ve been giving,
Life ain’t that much more than living.

I just worry about my bed,
I only think that far ahead,
I ain’t got time for your crying,
Can’t you see I’m busy dying?

You say I run, you say I hide,
That I can’t face what’s deep inside.
But all the lies that you’ve spoken,
They don’t matter where I’m going.

Never Go Away

I will cast your love away,
Like a long forgotten memory,
The sickness of another day,
The icy starlight burns,
But I’ll never,
Never go away.

You will tell me to stay,
Like a long forgotten melody,
Lossless in the naked breeze,
Together we are whole,
And I’ll never,
Never go away.

The lights,
They fall down on my memories,
Long since locked away.
The lights,
Come shining on my reveries,
I can’t get away.

You will pass the fading days,
Like a long forgotten effigy,
Together through the icy maze,
Stumbling we will fall,
But I’ll never,
Never go away.

I will be there when the wind,
Like a long forgotten elegy,
Brushes past your empty eyes,
The lids forever closed,
But I’ll never,
Never go away.

The lights,
They fall down on my memories,
Long since locked away.
The lights,
Come shining on my reveries,
I can’t get away.

Bikini Atoll, July 1946

The verdant waves of oceans green
Break cross the rolling golden dunes,
And every star, dreaming to be seen
Arrives to break the evening’s gloom.

The salty fragrance of the sea,
Finer than any censer scented
To raise up thoughts, to never be,
To never dance with discontentment.

To float across the whole wide ocean,
A million sunsets passing by;
How joyous to be in perpetual motion,
Subject to only the whims of the tide.

As the rainbow fractures on the water,
And the splintered colors bleed into one,
Heaven’s light passes from father to daughter
Who could ever cry for a setting sun?

Oh luminous Luna! must you always leave
So soon? In this the most beautiful season,
Which grants to the weary a moment’s reprieve,
From the restless restraints of faulted reason.

The sparkling fairies who attend their queen,
And paint her fancies across the sky,
Though by day they are as dreams unseen,
But never far from my mind’s eye.

Once, awoken from a serene sleep,
I found I’d washed up on an isle,
And soon had deemed that I should keep
This place to make my home for awhile.

At night my heart beats with the rhythmic tide,
And in unison sings with the luscious moon,
Like a silver crystal dancing in the sky,
Whose beauty can cause any man to swoon.

Now this island, but scarcely a mile wide,
Was ringed round with sand, but past the beach
The trees grew so dense that the rolling tide,
Their silent perimeter never could breach.

One day I decided to speak with the sky,
Though speckled with clouds, I began to climb
Past the canopy ‘til I could finally spy,
Out past the reaches of powerless time.

In every direction, the tangerine sea
Spread slow without end, for a minute I waned,
As the world did in turn, and with me did breathe;
For a while we kept up our silent refrain.

Then lying down on the vibrant leaves,
To wait for my love (dear Luna) to fill
Once more my eyes, on this carpet of trees,
I wait though she tests all the strength of my will.

But as evening came on, instead of the moon,
The sun seemed to burst in the violet sky,
And the world turned to white – much too fast – much too soon,
And across all the ocean I could hear their cries.

I watched as fair Eden withered away,
As the golden sand became black and fell,
All the dreams of my life disappeared in a day,
I watched my Eden transformed into Hell.

Perhaps we are bound to eternal return,
And to following life’s inexorable thrust,
But as Luna and Eden and I came to learn,
All the beauty in life turns to naught but dust.

Full of Tears

In my life I have seen but never known,
Those people who seem to have forgotten
How to cry and weep and still be grown,
For such a sin it would be to have shown;
A sin against what? False masculine pride
Has broken the lost son who wished to cry,
For behind that fair visage of joy and cheer,
Don’t you know that that man is full of tears?

Everyday I keep bottled in my chest,
A scream and a wail: for what, I can’t say;
For all I’ve been left with since you’ve been gone:
A handful of memories to pass along,
And a bucket or box of rain for keeps,
The shattered pictures of tomorrow weep,
Gazing in the mirror, nothing is clear,
The wellspring of my heart is full of tears.

Is it as with the most acidic rain?
Would it burn the ground where stumbling, my feet
Thoughtlessly go and patter a refrain,
Drown out the ceaseless echoes of my brain;
For what type of man should I wish to be?
One whom it is never said to be seen,
As one who has known the hopes and the fears
Of mortal men, so weak and full of tears.

So alone I walk, afraid to project:
I saw a man with the face of a god,
Head held high, as if he had to protect,
Each and every rag that covered his neck;
I’ve never been one to self-actualize,
And I’ve never been one to wear a disguise;
His eyes flit away as soon as they draw near,
Afraid to recall the blessing of tears.

I watch my screen pixelate; afraid to
Release and let the dam be broken; the
Pressure builds and builds, I can feel it, too,
In the speckled starry skylines where blew,
The astral dust of dreams now forgotten,
I never thought this could really happen,
I don’t remember before; now I fear,
I’ll never be free of these cursed tears.

Across the auld wide ocean, where the rain-
Bows are fractured by the cresting brine, and
The turquoise sky waits for pale night to wane,
The tide always keeps its boundless refrain,
In the grotto where dwelling, I try to
Escape in the passage of time, I pool
Up the blind hours spent toiling for fear
That no god left us this ocean of tears.

Escaping I find, in the void unbound
That each star that I visit has its own song,
And though no ears will ever hear a sound,
In the endless vacuum of space I’ve found,
The company meant for those who alone
Through life have wandered and finally outgrown,
The broken armor which long trapped them here,
Whose eyes can no longer make any tears.

Free of Form

To leap free of form off the precipice,
Not to fall or fly but float o’er a forlorn
World that seems at night to be weeping, while
Here between star and sand, on the threshold
Between serenity and insanity, between
Silence and sound is only the perimeter,
The borderland in which no eternal salvation
Will trespass, where the wasteful cacophony
Of a new dawn is coterminate with the
Glacial silence of an ashen dusk.

A monochrome world of senseless division,
The gaps as seen from ensensed minds
Like canyons blossoming in the rain that
Cut them open, gave them form, and
All across their walls adorn
Such fleeting faults as eyes can know,
The transitive mind will writhe and
Agonize against creation which
Amneses its purpose, to destroy
Naught but nothingness.

How many can say they are ready to
Loose the cords of this physical
Force which keeps our steps ever
In motion around an endless circle
Of predetermined destination,
This force that would see a world
To never fly or float or fall
Down, immortal wings that will never
Kiss the august sun or dance amongst
The briny foam of the sea.

Freed from silence are the ears
Which to the celestial frequencies are
Tuned, and only the incessant and
Discordant voices of migrants lost in
A world they are too much with can
Serve to muddy the clear and vibrant
Tonality of the euphonious melody
In every speck rain trying to cleanse
The film from our eyes, every thunderous
Blast rattling against muted ears.

Here, where star and sand meld in
A twinkling fire cross the hollow but
Deathless dunes, so full of the
Once vibrant and vivacious particulates
Which burst from the fount of Gaia
And in sublime foolishness saw the
Dunes, not as an extension but a source
Of subordination, yet as our
Chains we thrust upon the world,
The more with earthly oblivion to be.

I worship naught but the void between
Our favorite lies and truth unseen,
Where to fit but in a place of
Absence, where else to feel more
At home than where there are no
Kindred eyes, for surely the world needs not
One more tepid and fearful voice to
Join in the silent choir, yet a counter
Melody is received like some foreign
Battle hymn; such a fool am I!

Should shape and form have meaning more
Than white noise on a broken screen
That ceaseless commotion of signals lost
Seems more to me a portrait of
The ordered chaos which so enamors
The broken minds or broken screens
Which perceive in life an unwritten path
Towards the pot of gold which myths
Promised to Man, MAN! who is naught
But a rat in a maze, an eternal experiment.

What do we seek? Is it never to leave
Or to seek at all times a moments reprieve
From the weariness worn by every
Face that has known but a glimpse
Of the calm and tranquil fraud of
Ignorance, to slip back behind the
Veil of thoughtless contemplation with a
Prescribed purpose; and so it is that
We seek not to transcend out of
Something, but rather descend into nothing.

As a rose is scorned from an unwanted lover,
Cut off from life and purpose
Now lost, thrown aside as an unwelcome
Reminder of dead dreams, who once
Held the promise of lustful hope,
Now is trod by boots as unworthy
To touch such beauty as nature
Wrought, that could have known so many
Suns, but now has been reduced to
Dust, that most human of elements.

Dust, how deep I wish to bathe
Where so many lives have paid their
Dues, to feel a thousand years of
Knowledge, of sunrise and sunsets
Seen over the sapphire seas, of
Hatred and love, to be washed away
With no more thought than is given
To the silent mouths, which for want
Of the body and blood, occupy the
Dark recesses of the periphery.

There do I find myself; with steps
So measured as must be unconscious,
I have wandered into the echoes
Of spaces, once possessed by the insane
Longings of fleeting memories,
Now naught but the voids that
Shape our minds, though unseen and
Unfelt, yet present in their
Absence, where are located the lost
Hopes of the unknown.

No true hatred may arise but that
Which from deepest devotion springs,
When needed no more and cast aside
As children forget their old playthings;
A chilling shade drops o’er the Fields
Of Asphodel, or life, as it were,
For when naught in one’s waning hours can
Bring to excitement, or arouse but a
Shade of the wonderment of years past,
Then is life become as purgatory as old.

Those crystals on which men cast their dreams
Are but a bandage for the heart,
Unfit to assuage the damnation following
Those who see in shadows their fear,
Never faced for free of tears do
Men desire themselves to be,
To float in dishonest harmony,
Gently rocked by the water
Rippling from the disparate, muted
Voices of those drowning underneath.

To fly free of form, when all we’ve
Known is bondage to a transient container,
Unfit to house the lowest kinds this
Species has ever seen, yet
With devoted denial our physical world
We toil our lives in service unconscious
For fear of ending as we came,
Yet nothing is ever to remain,
So it must be, that for myself I choose
Not life or death but the void between.

Old Heroes

Where, where do my old heroes lie?
Bereft of shining armor, spewing now
A putrid light to ill-define
What was never before in any doubt.
These were the ones in whom a fool,
Or myself, as I was soon to find,
Would place their hopes, for lacking not
In pleasant fantasies: a child’s mind.
Not a hint of recognition,
Divorced from the idealism of youth,
I cannot spy those men who gave
To me, the sweet dreams of a better truth.
Still innocent eyes are to demons drawn,
Atop the pedestals we placed them on.

Eyes of a Child

I looked in a mirror one soggy day,
As if to peer through a soft waning storm,
And hoping my shape would fly far away,
In release from this tempestuous form.
I barely caught it before it passed,
Just a faint glimmer, from eyes I’d thought dead,
That had long since forgotten the summer sky,
Or the soft grass on which we made our bed.
Those eyes used to sparkle beneath the stars,
Crackle and burn with the weight of the moon;
Their luster was lost behind time’s cold bars,
And forever now lost and out of tune.
And I’d trade it all for but one more day,
The eyes of a child to light my way